


Lost and Found

by ObsidianRomance



Series: A Matter of Coincidence 'Verse [6]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-24
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-12-03 11:35:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/697823
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsidianRomance/pseuds/ObsidianRomance
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You need to read Confined Spaces and the other installments of the "A Matter of Coincidence" Verse to understand this story.<br/>Jensen gets a disturbing phone call from his parents and this time it is Jared's turn to help Jensen deal with his issues.  Only, things are never that simple for the two of them and Jared has to deal with old wounds ripping open.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lost and Found

**Author's Note:**

> Warnings: cursing, schmoop, postmpreg!Jared, angst, talk of miscarriage  
> Word Count: 6.790  
> Rating: PG  
> Disclaimer: I own nothing but the mistakes. I am just borrowing characters and faces for fun.  
> Special Thanks: Thanks to bt_kady for helping with editing and for making this verse's wonderful banner. *Lots of love and hugs!*
> 
>  
> 
> [](http://www.flickr.com/photos/85421651@N04/7826580544/)  
> 

Jensen was five seconds from unconsciousness when the phone ringing on his bedside table dragged him back to the world of the living.

His first thought was that it must be Jared.  His second thought was that something must be wrong with the twins.  Having been so close to dreaming, it was easy for his mind to take a sharp turn and land somewhere nightmarish.  Brooke’s hospital visit scarred more than her father.

He pushed the thought aside, comforted by the fact that he left Jared’s a little less than an hour ago and everyone seemed to be in one piece.  His plan was to go home and get some work done; it was a good plan but after five minutes of staring at a computer screen his head was lolling forward.  He was, in short, exhausted.  Had he planned on curling up in bed he might as well have stayed at Jared’s.

Oh well.

There was always tomorrow.

Grabbing the phone, he noticed his sister’s cell phone number had popped up on the caller ID screen.  He hadn’t spoken to Mackenzie in a few days and she was probably the last person he expected to be calling his phone this close to midnight.

“Hey Kenzie, what’s going on?”

There was a pause and an intake of breath before anyone responded.  “Hi Jensen, its mom.  I’m using Mackenzie’s phone because…well, I’m using her phone.”  Donna’s voice sounded far away and Jensen could tell she was holding the phone too far from her mouth like she was afraid of it, like she always did when she was about to drop a bomb.

“Mom?  Are you okay? What’s going on?”  He pushed himself upright in bed and swung both legs over the side.  In an action opposite his mother’s, the phone was pressed tightly to his ear.  The sound of his mother’s voice was enough to send any measure of tiredness out of his body.

“I’m okay.”  There was another pause and a deep breath.  “No, I’m not…but…that doesn’t matter.  Your father and I are at the hospital.”  Her voice hitched.  “Jensen, baby?  Your sister just had a miscarriage.”

Jensen’s stomach dropped out.

**********

Spending the night and subsequent morning at the hospital only intensified the feeling Jensen had that he was walking on unsteady ground.

He was relying on false wakefulness to keep him going, downing a steady supply of black coffee.  His father looked to be doing the same.

He had been able to see Mackenzie briefly, but she didn’t do much more than cry into his rumpled shirt.

Right now, he was trying to keep his parents from falling apart more than they already had.  They had been the ones to find his sister screaming and smeared with blood in her bathroom.  And, though his brother-in-law would do his fair share of mourning, they were the ones who would be having nightmares.

None of this was supposed to happen to his little sister.

But, _wa_ s anything like this _supposed_ to happen to anyone?

When Kenzie was finally resting, forced into a sleep by drugs to relax her, Jensen collapsed into a chair.

He found enough energy to call Jared, oddly relieved when the call went to voicemail.  Checking his watch, he knew it was because his boyfriend was probably in the shower about now, taking advantage of the small window of time before Arianna and Brooke would be screaming for breakfast.

Leaving a message for Jared was harder than he thought it would be.  It took him several seconds of silence before he remembered he had to speak in order for his boyfriend to understand what was going on. 

They hadn’t mastered psychic communication, not yet anyway.

Saying the words made the situation all the more real, and his voice cracked halfway through.  He gave into the crying, pretty sure it would be difficult for Jared to understand what he was saying, and finished his request for the man to cancel all his appointments for the day.

Ending the call, he shut his phone off.

He wanted to see Jared but then he couldn’t hide.  Right now, he wanted to hide.  He wanted everyone in his family to think he was okay, that way they would believe they could be okay too.

It was going to be a long day.

***********

It was late afternoon by the time Jensen made his way home.  Thinking back, he didn’t actually remember driving from the hospital, operating on autopilot and navigating streets he was long familiar with.

The silence and lack of activity in his house was a relief.  So was the solitude.

He tore off clothing as he ascended the stairs, dropping each article to the floor on the way to his shower. 

Turning the water’s temperature to almost scalding, Jensen thought it would be hot enough to wash away the sterile smells of the hospital that everyone is unnerved by or hates.

It hit him that he’s more upset about his sister’s suffering, the grieving his family has done, than the loss of his niece of nephew.  It makes him feel horrible.

He turned the water up hotter.

***********

Jensen found the energy to pull on a pair of lounge pants and a threadbare t-shirt but couldn’t find motivation to do much else.

Sitting on the edge of his bed, the quiet in the house teetered on the edge of eeriness.  The sun was a hot orange glow behind his drawn shades, but it still found a way to creep into the room.

He didn’t want to go to sleep just yet, wanting to ward off the nightmares that will come for several more hours.  Despite being exhausted, he knew that if he closed his eyes it wouldn’t be sleep he would find.

The sound of his doorbell echoing through the house made him jump, his heart hammering faster for several beats.

Though his initial instinct was to ignore it, he was on his feet and moving towards the door without actually making a conscious decision about it.

Not bothering with the peephole, he pulled the door open to reveal Jared standing there, his eyes immediately compassionate as soon as they were face to face. 

His boyfriend’s presence shocked him, though it probably shouldn’t.  He tried to figure out what to say or how to react but everything started to fall apart and he pulled Jared into a tight embrace.  He hadn’t realized how much he needed the man until their exact moment of contact.

Jared was warm and alive and responded to the embrace, hands gripping onto him, nose breathing him in.

He’d been so used to holding it together for Jared, playing things slow and safe for Jared, taking care of Jared when he fell apart, that Jensen wasn’t sure how the next few actions were supposed to play out. Then Jared pulled them together tighter and shushed him, his lips ghosting over the shell of his ear, and Jensen stopped calculating and fell to pieces.

They stood that way in the open doorway for longer than they realized.  Neighbors noticed but turned their heads away quickly, pretending they didn’t.  Eventually Jared pulled back enough to maneuver them inside and close the door.  It is only for a moment, but the loss of contact and the brief space between them made room for Jensen’s brain to start calculating and worrying again.

Jared squashed that when he cupped Jensen’s face in both hands and kissed his forehead softly.

Jensen covered the man’s hands with his own and finally blinked his eyes open at Jared.  It was a stupid question, but he asked it anyway.  “What are you doing here?”

“What do you think?  I was worried about you and I couldn’t get you on the phone.”  He wrapped Jensen in his arms again, their bodies fitting in a way they have grown accustomed to.  “I needed to see if you were okay.  I want to be here for you.”

Sighing, Jensen took a deep breath against Jared’s shoulder.  “I…I’m…”  He paused and pulled away, eyes darting around the room.  “Where are the girls?”

Almost surprised with the older man’s change of subject, Jared widened his eyes.  “They’re with my neighbor Jules.  You remember Jules?”  He smiled softly.

“The one you have coffee with on Wednesday?  Yeah, I remember her.”  Jensen smoothed out the skin around his eyes with his fingertips, failing to wipe away the emotion seeping out of them.  He’s met Jules in passing on several occasions but had only one substantial conversation with her.  She seemed like a wonderful person, but something in his gut made him worry over Jared leaving the twins with her.

“Relax Jensen, they are fine.  She loves them and she’s watched them before.”  Jared let out a quiet laugh.  “Besides, they are the last thing I am worried about right now.”  He cocked his head to the side slightly, eyebrows lowered with concern.

“Yeah, well…”  Jensen pulled his upper body away enough to twist to the side.  Pictures of his family hanging on the wall caught his attention and he pushed thinking about them away.  “Can we go upstairs?”

“Sure, of course.”  Jared let go of Jensen and followed him up the stairs in silence.  Once in Jensen’s room, Jared watched the man crawl dejectedly into the center of the king size bed.  “I am going to cut to the chase.  I know you are not okay, so please don’t play the game where you pretend you are and I have to struggle to get the truth out of you.”  Jared put a hand on his hip and sighed.

“Ok.  Fine.  I’m not okay.”  Jensen shrugged.  It felt odd having the roles reversed.  Not that people in his family didn’t love and support him, but he was used to being their rock, _their_ support system.  He was the one who was supposed to be the glue in his family; it is what everyone expected of him.

To fall to pieces would be against the rules.

To fall to pieces around Jared would be out of the normal.

Yet there he was on the cusp of doing so.

As unnerving as it felt being on the opposite end of the comforting spectrum, Jensen didn’t stop himself from reaching out and pulling Jared onto the bed with him.  “I’m not okay.”

“Shh.  I know.”  Jared crawled forward on his knees and wrapped his arms around Jensen again.  “But I’m here.”

“Yeah…you’re here.”  Jensen curled his hands around Jared’s thighs, feeling the solidity and realness of the moment.  In daydreams he would have about the two of them, they would never need to comfort each other because there would never be any reason to warrant it.  But in the real world he needed Jared very much, and he needed him now.  “I’m sorry I didn’t call again…I’m sorry I had my phone off…I just didn’t, or couldn’t, deal with anything more at the moment.”

Jared slid his hands down Jensen’s sides and kept them anchored on his hips.  “I’m not mad.  I was just worried.  I wish you would have let me be there for you or help or….I don’t know, just do something.  But I’m not mad.”

“I’m still sorry.”  Jensen took a deep breath and let it out slowly.  “The truth is, I wish you were there.  I spent so much of the past few hours taking care of everyone but myself.  I was afraid that you would have broken me down and I wouldn’t have been able to keep doing what I had to do.  I can’t hide anything from you…it is like…it is like your lame super power or something.”  He snorted.

“Is that an insult or a compliment?”  Jared’s smile relayed that he wasn’t upset.

“A compliment…for sure.  It’s like I am more me when I am with you.”  He saw those words hit Jared and wash his boyfriends face with an array of emotions.  Because his heart couldn’t take it at the current moment, he decided to cut off whatever emotional conversation those words had potential to lead to.  “Anyway, so maybe I would be more okay now if I had you around earlier.  But…everything just kind of hit me an hour or so ago.  I didn’t think I would get so worked up…but I did.  I have no idea why I am so intensely bothered by this.”

“Because you are human.”  Jared smiled softly but sadly.  “Because your greatest fear in life is watching the people you love suffer and not being able to do anything about it.”  He took Jensen’s hand and curled both of his own around it.  “It makes perfect sense why you would be upset.  She is your sister and you love her.  Everyone is hurting and nothing you can do can fix any of it.  Of course you would be upset.”

The fact that Jared could put it so plainly was a testament to how much they both knew about each other.  There was a comfort in the fact that he didn’t have to explain himself to Jared because Jared already understood everything.  “That’s it I think.  I think the fact that no one can fix it has me on edge.  And my sister…she…”  Jensen’s voice cracked and he chose to let the sentence die off.

Jared sighed.  “How is Mackenzie?”

“Umm…she’s okay, or as okay as she can be.  When I left her doctor had given her a mild sedative to help her relax and she was sleeping.  But I guess she is okay.  She’ll be okay.”

Nodding, Jared bit his lip before proceeding.  “What happened?”

“They aren’t sure.  She was almost 5 months pregnant.  Kenzie told me everything was great.  This wasn’t supposed to happen and then it did and then…then…”  Jensen paused to refocus himself, concentrating on Jared’s hand wrapped around his to keep him focused.  “My parents were going to her house for dinner last night and found her in the bathroom screaming; blood was everywhere.  Jeremy was out getting wine and she was all alone.  God, Jared…she was all alone.”

“It’s okay.  She’s not alone now, right?  Jeremy is there?  You and your parents were there for her.  That’s what is important.” A sadness flashed in Jared’s eyes and he fought to keep it at bay.

“Yeah, but she was alone then.  I can’t imagine how scary that can be.”  Jensen hated thinking of his little sister dealing with the death of her child by herself.  He was her big brother, he was supposed to protect her, it was one of the obligations all big brothers are bestowed with at the birth of a sibling.

Jared sat silent, his lips playing with the idea of answering.

Jensen wasn’t sure what was going on in Jared’s head, his boyfriend having gone rigid for a moment.  It was brief but Jensen caught it.  “She was bleeding a lot by the time my parents got her to the hospital.  They said it was a placental abruption or something.  They don’t know why, but things went downhill from there.  She passed the fetus completely and everything, which I guess is good because the doctor said he would have to do a D&G…”

“D&C.” Jared corrected quickly.

“Yeah, D&C.  I don’t even know what that is or what that means.”  Jensen rubbed his temples.

“It stands for dilation and curettage.  It’s kind of like opening you up and scrapping all the pregnancy remnants out before infection sets in from decaying material.”  Jared caught himself going off on a tangent and forced himself back to the present conversation.  “But it’s good she passed the fetus.  It’s the worst part...now she can deal with healing without being reminded physically of what she is healing from.”

Jensen caught a repeat of the flash of sadness he had seen in Jared’s eyes again.  “You know a lot about this.”

“Yeah well, I have two kids.  It comes with the territory.”  Jared stared at the man momentarily and then avoided Jensen’s eyes.

“My mom had three kids and she didn’t know everything the doctors were explaining to us.”  Jensen straightened his back and gently turned Jared’s face so that he couldn’t avoid eye contact.  He sees the hurt that has become a permanent attribute of everything that is Jared, a dark mark marring all the energy and light that make Jared the person he couldn’t stop himself from falling in love with.  “Jared?”

Jared’s eyes blinked in quick succession, a glaze coating them and making it easier for Jensen to pick up his reflection in the brown orbs.  He didn’t say anything.

“Hey, Jared…hey…”  Jensen leaned closer to the man, noticing that Jared had put up a wall.  “You’ve had a miscarriage, haven’t you?”

Jared jerked his chin out of Jensen’s hold.  There was no anger in the movement, only a desire to get away from the forced eye contact.  His chest rose and fell in a sigh and he brushed his hand back and forth in the air as if trying to push away the conversation topic.  “Yes, but it was before I came to work for you and,” he looked at Jensen and grabbed his hands, “and it isn’t important right now.”

“Shit, Jared.”  Feeling like he had put his foot in his mouth, Jensen realized how many memories his explanation of Mackenzie’s miscarriage must have brought to the surface for Jared.  “Jared, I’m sorry.”

The younger man’s shoulders tensed up and he rolled them back, body language speaking the opposite of his words.  “It’s okay.”

Only it wasn’t, because Jensen could tell he still had his wall in place.  “You were alone weren’t you?”  He took Jared’s complete silence as a yes.  “Shit, I didn’t mean to make you think about that.”  Pulling Jared into a hug he rooted his nose around in the scent of his hair.  “What happened?”

“It doesn’t matter Jensen.  It’s okay.  I came here to help you feel better, not talk about my own issues.  This was meant to be about you, not me.”  He fell into Jensen’s embrace more fully, slumping against the man’s shoulder.  His words may have told Jensen he was okay, but his actions were those of a person still hurting.

“No, I want to know…if you want to tell me.”  For all the time they spent together, Jared still held elements of mystery for Jensen.  He barely knew anything about his past.  There is something else that keeps him guarded, that flares up every now and then that Jensen can recognize when he tries to fight it.  He knew about his father’s abandonment, but there is something fresher and rawer to Jared’s hurt.

Hesitant and taking several false starts, Jared surrendered to the older man’s request.  “It was maybe three years ago.  I had a partial miscarriage, I had to have a D&C to,” he cleared to throat, “to get the rest out.”  His voice was flat, a technique Jensen knew Jared used to mask his emotions.

Jensen’s heart broke.  He wasn’t sure when it happened but he was aware that their roles in the day’s events had flipped and he had somehow become the one taking care of Jared, despite how much the younger man tried to stay strong.  “And you were alone?”

Jared raised a palm and lowered his head.  “Jen…It’s not…It’s not important.  I’m okay.  I didn’t think I would have this type of reaction, but I’m okay.  And Mackenzie will be okay too.”

“But you’re not really okay.”  Jensen knocked his forehead again Jared’s.  “You’re mostly okay, but sometimes I think you aren’t, like you are still trying to heal some wound.  I know your father fucked you up Jared, but there is something else.  You promised to tell me one day and I believe you.  You don’t have to tell me right now, but I know that you aren’t okay.”

Pulling away and sitting straight, Jared pulled one knee to his chest and rested his chin on it.  “I…”  Drawing into himself he bit his lower lip.

Jensen, as exhausted as he was, decided he would do anything at that moment to heal whatever open wound was taking a toll on his boyfriend.  “You can tell me Jared.  You can tell me anything.”  He sat cross-legged on the bed, feeling a bit lost in the tangle of his unmade sheets and the oversized fabric of his lounge pants.  “There isn’t anything you could tell me that would make me think you are any less amazing or vibrant or strong.”

Jared dissolved into a long intake of breath at Jensen’s last statement and pursed his lips together slightly.  Finally he relented.  “I am going to tell you a story.  But I want you to listen to the whole story before you say anything.  Okay?”  Jensen nodded.  “I’ve never told anyone this…well not all of it.”

“Okay.”  Jensen made a crossing motion over his heart with one finger.

“Are you sure you want to do this now?  I feel like my whole plan of making you feel better is failing miserably.”

“You’re not failing.  It feels real…better.  Like if you can get through something so terrible and still be so wonderful, then so can Kenzie.”

“Okay.”  Jared grabbed onto Jensen’s hand but Jensen couldn’t tell whose comfort the gesture was meant for.  “When I got pregnant a few years ago, it wasn’t planned.  I had been in a committed relationship for years, but getting pregnant wasn’t part of the plan.  My ex, David, and I had been dating for 4 years or so and it just kind of happened.  I didn’t want a baby but David _really_ didn’t want one.  Our relationship had been…complicated.  I didn’t know what trust was or how to have trust in anything or anyone, and when I was young and stupid I gave it away to people who simply stayed in my life after a long period of time.  David was no exception.  I didn’t…we…”  Jared paused and shrugged at Jensen.  “We weren’t exactly a functional couple.  I can’t explain it and I don’t even know if I want to, but I had so few people I actually trusted in my life. When I decided to open myself up to David after several years, I took more bad than good because it was the type of relationship I figured I was destined to have.  In the end he taught me exactly why I shouldn’t trust people, reinforced what I’d already learned from my father.  But I was stupid and I stayed.  Things never came easy in my life, why would I expect anything better?”

Though Jensen promised to let Jared finish, he couldn’t stop the words from coming out of his mouth.  “Oh Jared.”  He wanted to tell the younger man that no one deserves someone who would take advantage of them.  But, he held his tongue, not wanting to stop Jared once he had gotten the man started.

“Anyway…getting pregnant was a shock.  I didn’t want a baby yet I was suddenly having one.  And just as suddenly I wanted one.   My mind changed in a matter of days.  David’s didn’t.  He walked out on me and four weeks later I miscarried.  I was alone in my apartment with my family miles away.  I got myself to the hospital but it didn’t matter, I knew what they were going to tell me.  I wasn’t as far along as Mackenzie was and I can’t imagine how horrible this has been for her, but it was pretty terrible for me.  I felt like maybe I didn’t deserve a baby, that I was no good.  I thought that maybe if I had wanted the baby from the beginning or if David has wanted it then maybe I wouldn’t have miscarried.  I was convinced it was my fault.”  His eyes were watery as he paused and held a hand up towards Jensen.  “I know now that it wasn’t my fault, but it is how I felt at the time.”  He tightened his grip on Jensen.  “It’s still hard though.”  Sucking in air through his nose, Jared swallowed a shuddering sob.

“I made my mistakes, but I wasn’t totally stupid.  I’d been so paranoid about things that I made sure I would still land on me feet without David.  I was comfortable but I felt like I was missing something.  My miscarriage left a hole in me and I realized I was wrong, I did want a baby.  I started looking into other options to have my own child.  Someone had already rejected my child and it ended disastrously.  I didn’t want the possibility of someone rejecting my child like my father did me.  I learned that the only person I could truly trust was myself, so I did my research, thought long and hard, looked down every possible responsible  avenue, and got pregnant with the twins using sperm from a sperm bank…but you know that part.  You also know I didn’t plan on twins, but I was happy.  It felt like something good was finally happening in my life and I swore I would love those babies more than anyone ever loved me.  The rest is history I guess.”  Jared put his hands up to cover his eyes and the few tears that had leaked out.  It was a gesture he’s made before, a physical manifestation of his hiding.

“Jared – “ Jensen pulled both of the younger man’s hands down slowly.  Jared looked at him with emotional eyes, tears held at bay by the inner strength that Jensen was always floored by.  He realized that they had just scratched open an old wound and laid it out in the open.  It was an ultimate display of trust that words themselves could never communicate so completely.  Jared was bleeding his wounds, his baggage, right in front of him.  They were answers he didn’t really need but wanted to know anyway.  Jared’s hesitation and tentativeness in relationships with others made complete sense and while Jensen knew in his gut it must have been caused by something terrible it still broke his heart further.

“Jared, you deserve,” stuck on the thought and finding his chest rising and falling with anger over how this _David_ character could have hurt Jared so deeply and sadness at the scars he caused, Jensen grabbed the sides of Jared’s face and pressed their lips together.  It was rough and tender at the same time and he felt Jared respond by clawing at his back, pulling them closer still.  “You deserve so much.”  When he spoke his lips formed the words against Jared’s.

Jared shuddered and let out a breath.  “I think,” he grabbed onto Jensen more fiercely, his hands mimicking the older man’s and coming to rest on the sides of Jensen’s face, “I think I am beginning to realize that.”

Jensen let out a crazy relieved laugh.  “Good.”  He pressed his lips to the man’s again and felt his lungs hitch, crumbling under the emotions of the day.  His voice eked out in almost a sob.  “Good.”  His heart hammered in his chest and it sent a rush of adrenaline and realization coursing through his body.  Needing more contact he leaned left and pulled down on Jared, forcing the man to press most of his body into Jensen’s as he practically fell on top of him.

Jared landed with his hands out, allowing him to keep his face hovering over the older man’s.  He closed his eyes and let out a shaky breath before meeting Jensen’s green eyes again.  He was about to speak but Jensen beat him to it.

“I love you.”

Jared blinked, not sure if he heard right.  “Huh?” As a reflex he went to pull away but Jensen had his arms wrapped tightly around his waist.

“I love you.”  Saying the words they had been dancing around for months felt like a relief, a scary relief but a relief none the less.  He hadn’t meant to say them but half way through Jared’s story he had never felt them so strongly.  If the day had been a shitty one at least he gave it one hell of a silver lining.  “I love you so utterly and completely.  I love your energy, I love your strength, I love your broken parts – which are not really broken parts, just abused parts.  I love all of you.”

Jared continued staring.  He swallowed audibly and licked lips that had long gone dry.  Reaching down and taking one of Jensen’s hands he pressed it up against his chest, right over his heart.  Jensen could feel the beating, heavy and quick, against his palm.  “I know.  It’s why I told you everything.  You deserve to know what you’re getting into.”  Taking a calming breath, his lips curled into a crazy smile before crushing them to Jensen’s.

Jensen arched into the touch, his fingers curling around the muscles in Jared’s chest and his lips working against the kiss.  His head went hazy and he lost himself to the exact moment.  Outside of the connection they just made there was heartache and pain but nothing – NOTHING – could touch them in that moment.

Pulling up, but looking fearful, Jared powered through any hesitation.  “Jensen, I – god Jensen," he paushed to bite on his lip before forcing the rest of the sentence out in a rush of words.  "I love you.  I have for a long time.  I just didn’t know what to do with that feeling.  It is terrifying.”  He ducked his head into the crook of Jensen’s neck and nuzzled into the warm heat.  “Aside from the girls and my immediate family, I'm letting myself love something – someone – despite how terrifying it is.”

Running and hand up Jared’s body, Jensen’s palm cupped the back of Jared’s head while his fingers entwined in his hair.  He shifted so the man could fall into position beside him but still rest some of his weight on Jensen’s chest.  “It’s good too though, right?”

“Better than good.”

Jensen felt Jared’s eyelashes tickle his neck several times before batting closed.  He hooked his free arm around Jared’s waist and yanked him closer, their legs slotting between each other’s.  “Thank you for telling me about the baby you lost.  Thank you for trusting me.”  Resting his chin on Jared’s head, he sighed.  “I won’t abuse that.”  Jared stayed silent and buried his head more deeply in Jensen’s neck.  “You know that right?”

Over the time Jared had worked for him, Jensen had seen Jared exhibit stellar people skills, an uncanny ability to remain calm and focused when the situation didn’t involve his personal life, and have a well formatted response to everything.  It is what made him such a priceless element in the workplace.  But when applying those very qualities to his own life there was a disconnect.  Those were the moments Jared froze up.  Jensen felt the wall Jared had erected around himself start to fall to pieces as the man’s body lost its tension, but still he didn’t speak.  He felt Jared’s eyelashes flutter against his neck again, this time brushing wet tears along with them.  “You don’t know that, do you?”

Jared pressed his lips to the pulse in Jensen’s neck and let them linger there before finding his voice.  “You love me.”  It was a statement but it held the hint of a question.

“I do.”  Jensen hooked his knee around Jared’s and pulled them into a tighter tangle.  “A lot.  It is kinda why I don’t want you going anywhere or why I have nightmares about you becoming a zombie.”  Needing to lighten the mood because Jared was still fluttering tears across his neck and he felt the day held too many tears already, Jensen laughed.  “It’s true.  I only have zombie dreams about the people I really love.”

That did it.  Jared’s laugh vibrated against his neck.

Curling his arms around Jared and keeping his head tucked in the perfect safe zone the crook of his neck made, Jensen exhaled deeply.

Jared returned the gesture, pulling his own side of the embrace tighter.  “Then is it wrong that I hope you never stop seeing zombie me in your dreams?”

This time Jensen laughed, the action forcing out the tears and heavy emotions of the moment.

Knotted together, they both fell into a comfortable silence, their breathing matching up and their hearts slowing down.  Jensen’s exhaustion came creeping back with a vengeance and Jared’s emotionally drained self followed suit.  In the warmth and safety of the bed sleep came but the nightmares didn’t.  There were no visions of blood or death or even zombies, because with Jared’s heart thudding up against his chest it was near impossible for Jensen to neglect how very much alive they were in that moment.

**********

When Jensen woke it was slow, his wakefulness unraveling in lazy cat stretches and unfurling of muscles.  The events of the day came rushing back to him once he felt the very empty space beside him.

A sinking feeling built in his gut as his hands crept over the cool impression in the sheets where he was certain Jared had fallen asleep next to him.

Sitting up alone in the bed, Jensen felt lost for the moment.  The room was silent and almost dark, leaving him confused about what happened in the time he lost to sleep.

“Jared?”

It took a moment but he heard bare feet padding along the hardwood floors, the sound returning his heart to its rightful place.

Running a hand through his bed disheveled hair, Jensen watched his boyfriend slowly push open the door and slip into the room.

“Hey.”

“Hi.  I thought you left.”

Jared frowned.  “I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to make you think that.  I just,” he held up a small plate with a ham and cheese sandwich on it, “thought you might be hungry so I made you a sandwich.”  He blushed and pushed a lock of his hair out of his face.

“Oh.”  Jensen smiled.  “How long have you been awake?”

“Just a little while, maybe 20 minutes.  I didn’t want to wake you.  You looked exhausted.”  He sat beside Jensen on the bed and held the food out to him.

Jensen took the offered plate and put it on the nightstand beside his bed.  “I am, I was, I feel better now.”  He reached out for Jared and tilted his head up, needing to kiss the man’s lips to remind himself that there was good in his life right now.  He slipped his tongue into the warmth of the man’s mouth and swept it across Jared’s.  It was a soft but needy kiss, grounding both of them.  When he pulled away he licked his lips and smiled.  “You taste like strawberries.”

“Yeah, I…uhh…found some in your refrigerator and helped myself.” Jared licked the corner of his lips.

“I bought them for you.  I know how much you like them.”  Jensen sighed.  “They’re kind of for me too because watching you eat them is…” He paused at the thought of Jared’s lips wrapping around the fruit and his pink tongue licking at their juice.  “Let’s just say it is _good_.”

Jared’s eyes widened and he blushed before smacking Jensen playfully on the shoulder.  “Shut up!”

“I mean it.”

“Well yeah, well…”  Jared brushed his hair out of his face as he stammered.  “Just eat your sandwich, and then we can worry about the strawberries.”  He raised an eyebrow in what might have been seductive gesture had he not still had a flushed face.

Jensen’s laugh filled the bedroom with life.  He grabbed the sandwich and took a big bite, his stomach waking up at the promise of food and growling loudly.  With all the chaos of the day Jensen hadn’t ingested more than coffee in the last 20 hours and his hunger hit him full force.

“Hungry?”

“Yes. Very.”  Taking another bite, Jensen smiled gratefully at his boyfriend.  “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.  I wish I could come up with something better but I don’t know where anything is in your kitchen.  We are always at my place.”  Jared rested a palm on Jensen’s calve and curled his fingers slightly.

Jensen quirked his lips to one side.  His life had been so consumed with actually living that there had been precious little time for daydreaming, but in those dreams he wondered what his life would be like waking up and falling asleep next to Jared every day and night.  In his dreams it felt right, it felt matched to the severity of their growing relationship.  It was one step closer to everything he ever wanted.

He knew he had tested the boundaries of their relationship once today but the words rushed out of his mouth before their consequences were thought out.  They had already crossed over into uncharted territory; why not keep with the momentum?  “Move in with me? Please?”

Jared choked on a response.  “Excuse me?”

Pushing the sandwich aside, Jensen crawled closer to Jared.  “Do you want to move in with me?  This house is far too big for just me and there is plenty of room for you and the girls. And the best parts of my day are when I am with you, Arianna, and Brooke.  I really…I would really love it if you would move in.”  Suddenly nervous and uncertain about the possible responses, he blinked up at Jared.

“Jensen that’s…”  Jared bit his lip and scratched his head.  “I mean…that’s…”

Watching Jared’s indecision wash over his face made Jensen ready to beg.  “Please say yes?”

“I…”  Taking a deep breath and letting his shoulders fall with the exhale, “Can I say maybe?”  He caught Jensen’s slight pout and put up a palm to stop him from getting upset any further.  “It’s not that I don’t want to.  I do.  It is a very generous and tempting offer.  It’s just that I have to think about my girls right now.  I just…I just need some time to think, that’s all.  It is a huge change and a big decision.  I just need time.”  Jared tightened his grip on Jensen’s calf.  “Okay?”

Of course Jared needed time.  It was one certainty that Jensen had come to expect.  Baby steps.  Baby steps worked best with Jared and over the past few hours he had been trying to take giant leaps.  “Of course.  You can have all the time you need.”  He brought a hand to cover Jared’s.  “But I am not going to lie, I hope you don’t need too much time.”

“I’m sorry.  It’s just that I can’t only think about myself.  I have Arianna and Brooke and that makes things infinitely more complicated.”

Only it didn’t, well at least not for Jensen.  He loved Arianna and Brooke as much as he loved their father and that made things simple.  They were a huge part of his world and he hated being away from them as much as he hated the distance separate living spaces put between him and Jared.  The girls had sunk their hooks into his heart the minute they took their first breaths.  Actually, it may have been before that, could have possibly been as early as when Jensen daydreamed that they were his children, that he had been the one to get Jared pregnant.  “I love Arianna and Brooke too.”

“I know you do.”  Jared snorted.  “I think _everyone_ knows you do.”

He knew his boyfriend was right.  It was no secret to his family and clients how much he doted on the twins.  And his ability to distinguish one twin from the other was on par with Jared’s.  It was a skill none of the twins’other relatives had seemed to master yet.  Jensen sighed.  He felt a tugging in his gut and realized he hadn’t seen the girls for almost as long as he hadn’t eaten.  “Jared?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think we could go back to your place?”  Cupping the back of his neck, he stretched.  “I need to get out of here, to get out of this place.  I miss the girls.  I need to see them.  I need to see something so alive to cancel out all the death and loss I dealt with at the hospital.”  Huffing, he looked at Jared.  “Does that sound stupid?”

Shaking his head softly, Jared smiled.  “No.  It doesn’t sound stupid at all.”  He rose to his feet and pulled Jensen up beside him.  “Come on.  You’re spending the night at my place.  And tomorrow you are staying home from work.  I’ve already moved all your appointments.  You can spoil Arianna and Brooke all you like and we can go visit your sister.  I’d like to do that, if you think that’s okay.”

“I’d like that…all of it.”

********

The first thing Jensen did when he entered Jared’s apartment was scoop the first child he encountered, Arianna, into his arms and inhale her familiar, yet comforting, scent.

The second thing he did was reintroduce himself to a very confused looking Jules.  She had been sitting on the couch watching the girls entertain themselves in their bouncers when Jared and Jensen’s arrival startled her.

After apologies were made for surprising her and she gave a recount of the girls’ behavior – they were perfect angels of course – she said her goodbyes and promised she would take Jared up on his offer of a free dinner date.

She kissed both of the girls and Jensen had to acknowledge that he had made a mistake in worrying over Jared choosing to leave the twins with her.  The girls clearly had Jules wrapped around their fingers just as tightly as they did Jensen.  He should have known better than to doubt Jared’s judgment.

Left to themselves, Jensen flopped down on the couch with Arianna propped up in the bend of his elbow.

Arianna let out a giggle and smiled a big gummy grin at the man.

“Hi angel.”  Jensen kissed her head.  Her hair had gotten so long that it stuck up in a tiny ponytail, wisps of it ticking his face.  “I missed you.  Did you miss me too?”

“Here.”  Jared plopped Brooke into Jensen’s free arm so that he held one twin on each side.  “She’s getting jealous.”  He stood looking down at the three with a hand on his hip.

“Oh, are you?”  Jensen kissed Brooke’s temple several times, the way he always kissed her, the kissing sounds mingling together.  “Don’t be jealous baby.”  Brooke giggled when Jensen kissed her temples again, letting out belly laugh after belly laugh.

He sat there making the girls giggle.  It was drawing closer to their bedtime and their sleepy demeanor made them cuddlier than usual, a fact that Jensen ate right up.  Their laughs drowned out Kenzie’s and his mother’s cries.

“Do you want to help me get them ready for bed?"

Jensen looked up at Jared and couldn’t quite make out the expression he was wearing.  It was somewhere between a smirk and smile but there was an underlying softness behind it.  “Is it really that time already?”

“Past actually.”  Smiling, dark brown eyes shining, Jared plucked Arianna from Jensen’s arms and tickled her belly, making her laugh fully before heading towards their nursery.

Following the younger man, Jensen pushed himself off the couch.  “Come on monkey.”

Brooke yawned and fisted Jensen’s shirt, resting her chubby cheek against his chest.

Her actions made him melt and instantly feel guilty that she couldn’t stay up with him for just a while longer.  He paused in the hallway to study her green eyes and messy mop of hair, making it hard to stop himself from reflecting on how big she had gotten in the last 5 months.  She yawned again and he pushed the guilt aside, wanting Brooke to get the sleep she needed.

In the nursery Jared already had Arianna stripped of her clothes, freshly changed and was deftly tugging on her pajamas.  He tossed a second pair of pajamas at Jensen who got to work readying Brooke for bed with equal ability.

With two clean happy but sleepy babies snuggled in their arms, the men put them down in their cribs, covering them with the soft fleecy blankets they’ve had since their birth.

Jensen hesitated in leaving the room, giving the girls a second visual check.

“Come on Jensen.  They’ll still be here in the morning.”  He held out a hand for the older man and smirked.  “And I’ll even let you take care of them if they cry in the middle of the night.”

“Ohh, lucky me.”  Jensen laughed in a whisper and took Jared’s hand, letting the man pull him out of the room.

“Yeah, lucky you.”

Jensen met Jared’s eyes, still trying to figure out what he was thinking from before.  “I _am_ lucky though.”

“You think so?”  Jared entwined his fingers with Jensen’s and led him towards his bedroom.

“Absolutely.  I’d get up in the middle of the night every night for those two.”  Jensen grinned.  It was an exaggeration but the sentiment was dead on.

“You say that now.&rdquo

“Nope.  I mean it.”

Jared smirked, pushing Jensen into the bedroom and closing the door after they both entered.  In the dimness of the room Jensen could still make out a spark that lit up Jared’s eyes

“So when we’re all snuggled up in your giant bed and the girls are _all_ the way across the house’s second floor in their room and they cry, you’ll go take care of them?”  Jared’s fingers tiptoed up Jensen’s chest, making the older man’s eyes watch them rise before setting on Jared’s face.

“Yeah I…wait, what?”

“Well I just figured we would make that big room at the end of the hallway upstairs their nursery.   It had plenty of room for their cribs.”

“Jared?  Really?”  He was aware that he probably sounded like an over excited 5 year old, but that was what Jared did to him. “So that is a yes?”

“Yes.”  Jared flashed a genuine smile, his eyes taking part in it.  His voice was so earnest that the sincerity in his words was almost palpable. “Yes.  I love you and I want to live with you.  And I think the girls would agree.”

Jensen didn’t respond right away.  He made a small noise in the back of his throat and his eyes curved up mischievously as he rushed Jared, forcing him backwards and onto the bed.  They were a messy tangle of limbs as they shimmied up the bed, all the while Jensen keeping his body draped over Jared’s and crushing their lips together.  He had both hands on the sides of Jared’s face, preventing them from being more than an inch or two apart.  “Say it again.”  He needed to make sure he heard right.  He needed to make sure Jared was certain.

“The yes part?”  Jared wrapped a leg around Jensen and smirked.

“Yeah that and the other part.”  Jensen pressed his hips down to meet Jared’s and let out a slow breath.

“The ‘I love you’?” Nudging Jensen’s jaw with his own he maneuvered him so they could fall into a more comfortable kiss.  He nipped at the older man’s lower lip briefly before kissing him roughly, a small moan of want escaping from the small gap where their lips weren’t pressed together fully.  “I love you.”  He dove back into the kiss again, this time flitting his tongue between Jensen’s lips and coaxing out a moan.  “I want to live with you.”  He tightened the leg he had wrapped around Jensen’s body and pulled them so close he could barely tell where his body stopped and Jensen’s began.  Kissing Jensen’s smiling lips, he let out a sigh.  “I want to see you ever night before I go to bed and I want the girls to have that too.”

Jensen’s heart exploded, fueling every butterfly in his stomach and making his muscles twitch with energy.  “Good, so we’re on the same page then.”  He smirked and kissed Jared hard and long until they fell apart at the seams.  The fervor in the action sent waves of heat rolling through their bodies and it became a game of trying to yank articles of clothing off without breaking the kiss.  Their hands worked in an almost comical fight for some semblance of control.

“God Jared, you…” Jensen broke the kiss for a split second to pull his shirt over his head before roughly kissing Jared’s swollen lips and swallowing down the moans his gyrating hips were creating.  “You are…you make me feel crazy.”  His hands gripped lower, toying with Jared’s belt for a moment before he abandoned it and pressed his palm downward.  Jared was hard – they both were – he could feel the constrained bulge under the denim of his pants.  He rolled his hips and brushed their clothed arousals together, making Jared let out a breathy exhalation.   Smirking, he continued the teasing action, watching Jared’s eyes darken with arousal and cheeks flush with desire.  It was cruel but Jensen had waited for so long to get to this point that he found himself drawing the process out every time.  Jared was intoxicating.

Jared caught him off guard and distracted him with sucking on the pulse in his neck before flipping them suddenly, landing him on top and in control of grinding their hips together.  His long fingers went straight to the waist of Jensen’s pants and had them undone, tugging them off all while trailing kisses down his chest and play biting at his nipples.  “ _You_ make _me_ crazy.  I feel crazy.  I feel things I didn’t think I could.”  He backed away enough to disrobe fully before leaning down to crush their naked bodies together again.  “I sound crazy, don’t I?”  He brushed their exposed erections together and shivered with the thrill of it.  “You know what?  Don’t answer that.&rdquo

If Jensen had answered, he would have said that he felt the same way, but he wasn’t given a chance because Jared’s tongue was monopolizing his, making speech impossible.  He moaned when Jared pressed their lengths together with just the right amount of pressure.  Canting his hips upward he sought it out again, hands pawing and tugging

Jensen didn’t know where this was going until Jared clawed at his back and brushed his lips close to his ear.  He spoke in a whisper, like saying the words any louder would break his resolution and scare him out of it.  But as Jared spoke his tone gradually went from uncertain to confident.  “I want you inside me Jensen.  I want you to make me feel it tomorrow, to make me know you aren’t going anywhere.  Can you…can you do that for me?”

The confidence element was a new thing in the bedroom and to Jensen it made Jared shine, almost literally glow.

It also left him blinking up at Jared trying to find the brain power to speak.

Jared was smirking down at him like he didn’t realize he just asked Jensen to give him something Jensen had been dreaming of for years.  Jensen was absolutely certain Jared had no clue about the power the younger man had over him.

Bucking, Jensen unsettled Jared enough to flip them again, returning to their original position, only this time he slotted a leg between Jared’s and nudged upwards.  “I can do that.”  Kissing Jared’s panting lips he curled a loose hand around his arousal and moved it in a slow pumping motion.  “I can more than ‘do that’.  I can do that all night.”  He trailed his lips along Jared’s jaw line and nipped at his ear, voice love drunk and deep.  “You have no idea – no idea how much I’ve wanted to be inside you.”

Jared swooned, arching his back and pressing into Jensen’s touch.  His leg brushed up against Jensen’s length and he reached down to touch it, not truly wrapping his hand around it but toying with it enough to coat his fingers in a string of precome.  He brought them up to his mouth and snaked his tongue around them in an effort to lap it up.  “I _kinda_ have an idea.”

The younger man’s actions sent sparks off low inn Jensen’s belly, making him harder than he already was.  Growling low in his throat, Jensen nudged Jared’s legs apart and situated his torso between them.  Jared’s hair fanned across the pillow and his body lay open and exposed before him, no walls in place, no defenses up.  “You tell me to stop and we stop.”

“I know.”  Jared twisted, hand extending just far enough to wrap around the bottle of lube on the nightstand.  “I’m not going to want you to stop.&rdquo

Closing his eyes at the meaning of those words, Jensen bucked his hips into Jared’s.  “Do you have any idea what you do to me? Any?”  He grabbed the bottle and attacked Jared’s lips, ending all questioning and conversation.  Jared met him with every flick of his tongue, grope of his hand, and moan.  They moved against each other until they found a comfortable rhythm and Jared was melting into a boneless heap below him.

Jensen flipped Jared slightly onto his side until he was pressed against the man’s backside, almost spooning.  Snapping the bottle open, he coated his fingers liberally and trailed one slicked finger down the juncture between the man’s legs, swirling it around the puckered ring of muscle.  As much as he wanted to stay close to the man, he pulled back to stay far enough from Jared so that he could read any signs of discomfort on the man’s face.  Jared’s expression was edged with apprehension but the rest of him still screamed confidence.  Being able to watch the way Jared unfurled under his touch was worth the distance between them.  Still close enough to drop kisses onto Jared’s back, Jensen kissed the taut muscles there are he pressed his first digit past the ring of muscle.

Jared tensed and squirmed his hips.

“Shh, I got you.”  Jensen kissed the back of Jared’s neck several times before moving his finger again.

Jared pulled away on instinct as Jensen’s finger sank deeper into his entrance. He froze with the unfamiliarity and intimacy of the situation.

Jensen followed Jared’s retreat, not letting him get away so quickly.  “Hey, it’s just me.  ‘M not gonna hurt you.”

“No, I know…jus’ I haven’t…it’s been…”  Jared squirmed, moving his hips sideways.

Jensen curled his free hand around one of Jared’s palms, fingers stroking the skin softly.  “Shhh, I know.”  He kissed the sensitive area behind Jared’s ear.  “Love you.  Not going to hurt you.”

Almost as if Jensen’s words squashed any of the warnings running through his mind, Jared relaxed back onto the man’s fingers and the pressure it was creating.  He felt Jensen’s finger slide against the inner walls of his entrance, slipping from one side to the next.  Craning his head to look over his shoulder, he watched Jensen’s face and the movement of his body as he pumped his finger inside of him.  After a few moments of breathy silence he hissed when Jensen added another finger.

Jensen could tell Jared was fighting the initial reaction to pull away, but after several trusts of his fingers Jared eased into the movement again, his hips rolling with the action.

He knew Jared was studying him, it was hard to miss Jared’s lidded eyes saturated with a heavy dose of want and shot of uncertainty.  Jared was watching him work, something that would normally make him feel uncomfortable, but right now it made him felt bolder.  He leaned his body awkwardly over Jared’s to capture the man’s parted lips in a quick kiss just as he slid a third finger into Jared’s entrance.   Waiting a good deal of time for Jared to relax, he didn’t move them, he just held them there, putting the ball in Jared’s court.

Another kiss and roll of Jared’s hips later and the younger man was pressing back onto his fingers, forcing them deeper.  He scissored them briefly before moving them slowly together.  Jared’s face didn’t look pleased but he didn’t look pained either.  That wasn’t enough for Jensen.  He wanted Jared to see stars.  Sliding his fingers out, he coated them with more lube and returned to gently stroking Jared’s insides.

It took Jensen a few exploratory thrust of his fingers, but he curved them and pushed in just the right way to brush against Jared’s prostate.

“Jensen!”  Jared gasped, the sensation making him pull off Jensen’s fingers before pushing back onto them in search of that feeling.  He threw Jensen a wild glance over his shoulders, chest rising and falling faster as he came undone when Jensen did it again

And there was the pleasure washing over Jared’s face that Jensen has been looking for.  He practically purred into Jared’s neck when the man panted out his name again.

Jared scrambled to try and remember how to talk.  “Kiss me.”

Jensen raised an eyebrow and watched Jared’s flushed face turn towards him.

“Kiss me, right now.” Jared craned his neck as much as he could and reached a hand backwards to cup the nape of Jensen’s neck.  He pulled Jensen closer, tugging at him fiercely and working their lips together with an untamed passion.  Rolling his hips back, he bucked into Jensen’s fingers, effectively fucking himself on them.  Eyes trailing down to Jensen’s arousal, he let out a breathy sigh.  “I think I’m good.”

Jensen licked his lips, again marveling at the fact that Jared could leave him at such a loss for words. In their place he showed Jared how much he wanted to be inside him by leaning forward and pressing his dripping length into the meat of Jared’s rear.  Pulling his fingers free, he rose to his knees.  “Condoms?”

Jared looked like he was having trouble thinking coherently but the word shot him to full alertness.  “Oh god yes…”  He moved slowly, trying to get his limbs back from under Jensen’s control, and pulled out a string of foil wrappers.  “Maybe you should wear two.”

Jensen snorted a laugh and then realized Jared wasn’t kidding.  He couldn’t say he blamed him.  Having almost 6 month old twins was enough to make anyone doubly cautious.  He would wear three condoms if that would make Jared feel better.  It might make him desensitized to high holy hell but he didn’t care.  It would be worth it.  Getting inside Jared, making him come undone, it would all be worth it.  “Yeah okay, two. Three.  Whatever you want.”  He grabbed Jared by the base of his neck and kissed him roughly before rolling two condoms down his length and coating himself in a healthy slathering of lube.  When he turned back towards Jared, the man was on his side facing him, his hand stroking his almost painfully hard arousal

It was all too much.

It has taken baby steps, care, and understanding to get to this point but Jensen was so on fire with the need to take Jared that it overwhelmed him.  He grabbed Jared firmly and yanked him up onto his knees so that he was facing the headboard with his ready ass in the air for him.

He wanted to take his time.  He wanted to make sure Jared was keeping up with him.  He wanted a lot of things but none of them were going to happen because he was running on autopilot.

In a swift movement he leaned forward and pressed the tip of his length past Jared’s entrance, breaching the ring of muscle.  Jared stiffened but Jensen held onto him tightly, keeping his hips level.  His eyes practically rolled back when he shoved deeper, the tight heat engulfing his length and sending waves of pleasure down his spine.  His hips jerked, forcing himself into the younger man.

Jared let out a strangled gasp and it shocked Jensen back to his senses.  “Jen!”  He let out a cry that wasn’t one of pain but it certainly wasn’t pleasure.

Stopping mid-movement, Jensen reassessed the situation.  Swallowing, he tried to start thinking with his brain instead of his dick, which was oh so wonderful surrounded by the tight heat that was Jared.  Slow, he should go slow.  He had to fight not getting lost in that heat again.  “Sorry…sorry.  You just feel,” his hips moved slightly as he moaned, “so good.”

Jared hung his head between his shoulder blades and took deep breaths.  There was a thin sheen of sweat coating his back and he shuddered in an attempt to regain composure.

Jensen dropped his head to kiss the exposed area at the base of Jared’s neck and trailed his lips as far down his spine as he comfortably could.  “You okay?”

Jared’s answer surprised Jensen in a way he should be used to by now.  Having proven prone to sudden decisive action, Jared slammed backwards onto Jensen’s dick, resulting in a guttural gasp from each of them

“Shit, Jared!”  Fully seated in Jared’s body, Jensen’s eyes lost focus and all he could concentrate on was the constrictive muscle moving against his arousal.  His fingers gripped Jared’s hips tighter, steadying both of them as his upper body slumped against the man’s back.  Heart hammering in his chest and blood pumping loud enough to deafen him, Jensen went light headed.  It was stupid and cliché but like everything he had anticipated with Jared, finally being inside him had been worth the wait.

Jared was taking quick frantic breaths, vocalizing each exhalation.  Supporting himself on one hand he reached back to keep Jensen steady for a minute, adjusting to the physical barrier they just breached.  It took a few moments but he let his hand drop back down to the mattress, arching his back and pushing into Jensen.  “Don’t go slow.”

Jensen’s heart fluttered and he laughed, but it had a quiet and tender quality to it. “I’ll go slow…just for a little while.” He waited until Jared nodded and then he moved his hips slowly, sliding partially out of Jared’s body with a teasing draw before pushing back in. He would do anything to keep Jared with him, to keep his word that he wouldn’t hurt him, to keep their connection mutually pleasurable.  Rolling his hips, he built up a rhythm of pulling out and slamming back into Jared.  For his part Jared was reacting to each movement, folding into them and meeting Jensen thrust for thrust

Jensen’s lip twitched and he picked up the pace, bringing back the rough unadulterated rawness, and he curled his hands so tightly around Jared’s hipbones that he knew they would be bruised tomorrow.  Being inside Jared felt different than anything he’d ever experienced.   Though he was impressively tight, Jensen knew the feeling most likely wasn’t physically different than being inside another man; emotionally it felt amazing.  It was doing things to him that he didn’t expect and he was unfurling as the seconds ticked by.  Sliding deeper into the man below him Jensen let out a low moan, enjoying the tight heat surrounding his arousal.

Gaining speed and reached down, he twisted his hand around Jared’s bobbing length, rubbing his thumb through the gathering moisture at the tip.  He pulled in the way he knew Jared liked and slammed in at the same time, knowing the movement would ensure Jared saw stars.

“Shit! Fuck! Jensen! Ugh!”  Jared cursed loudly and lurched forward.  “Fuck, don’ stop." His breath caught and he practically slammed into the headboard from the force behind him.  "Shit, right there, right there, right there!  Don’t stop.”

Jensen didn’t.  He kept pounding into Jared, hips jerking and making a sweaty wet smacking sound when connecting with the man careening beneath him.  Jared was letting out a litany of curses, his actions so shockingly different that the composure he held in the work place.  Jensen relished every shout and curse, Jared’s enjoyment sending him closer and closer to the edge.  He moved his fist in time with his thrusts and bit down gently into the flesh on Jared’s shoulder.

Jared’s breathing was becoming so labored that Jensen worried he was going to pass out from lack of oxygen.  When he slowed his pace momentarily a whine escaped Jared’s throat.  “Don’t stop.  Don’t stop.  Don’t you dare fucking stop.”

It was all the reassurance Jensen needed to keep going.  He was so close and Jared probably was too, far beyond any point of return.  It was almost enough…almost.

Disobeying Jared’s request, Jensen stopped.  Before Jared could protest, whine, or lose a grip on the high he was riding, Jensen practically threw him onto his back and yanked both legs over his shoulders.  His movements were sloppier than usual but he got the job done, quickly lining his dick up with Jared’s body again and slamming into him in one swift twist of his hips.

“Fuck!”  Jensen could have sworn he was the one who had cursed, but his words echoed with Jared’s voice.

Jared’s eyes flicked open, locking on Jensen and that was _it_.  That was what had been missing.  It was enough now.  Everything was falling apart, coming undone, tumbling over the edge.  Jensen needed to see Jared fall to pieces and let go of his control, he need to see Jared trust him.  Thrusting his hips faster, he pumped his fist around the man with more zest, coaxing moans from his lips.

“Jensen, I…”  Jared flung his head back, pushing into the mattress.  “I…”

“Let go.”  Jensen had to moan when he saw Jared toss his head back in pleasure, the veins on his neck standing out as he moved his body beneath Jensen’s.  He looked absolutely beautiful like that, his body tense, his muscles defined, his eyes fluttering closed with pleasure, and best of all - Jared’s body coiled around his own.  “Please let go.”

Eyes locked on each other’s in the connection that always did them in like clockwork, Jared screamed.  “Jensen, Jensen, fuck, fuuuuuck!”  Biting his lip to stifle any more sound, he came hard, hot splashes coating their middles and ripping out of him with each wave of his orgasm.

The sight of Jared riding out his orgasm did funny things to Jensen’s brain.  He couldn’t focus on much more than Jared’s parted lip and he kissed them fully before surrendering to his own orgasm, releasing into the latex of the condom.

He twitched, hips jerking on their own accord several times before he came back down to earth long enough to unhook Jared’s knees from over his shoulders.  Vision still dimmed, he pulled out of the younger man and fell down beside him.

Jared rolled to face him, lips still parted and taking in gasps of air.  His face was flushed but his eyes were happy, tired looking but happy.  The two men stared at each other, neither having words at the moment.  Completely spent, Jared was a sweaty mess on the destroyed sheets but he somehow found the energy to smile.  The gesture reassuring Jensen that he was still there, he was okay, he was still alive.

Jensen swallowed and wiped the sheen of sweat from his Jared’s forehead before pressing a lingering kiss in his hand’s wake.  His pulse was racing and he had bolts of energy coursing through his post orgasm body.  Being with Jared was defiantly more satisfying than being with anyone else.  All Jensen had to do to confirm that was look at the man, who was staring back at him with the same look of contentment.

Covered in a combination of sweat and other body fluids, they were sticky and gross but both were too tired to do anything about it.

“Wow.”  Jared tested his muscles by stretching them out in tentative movements.

“Is that a good wow?” Still feeling half dead, Jensen rolled his eyes to meet the other man’s.

“Of course it’s a good wow.”  Jared trailed his hand through the mess on his belly for emphasis.  “Are their every any bad wows when you’re involved?”  He closed his eyes and hummed as his blood circulated the pleasure through his body.  “It’s a good wow.  It’s a very good wow.”

“Gonna feel it tomorrow?”  Jensen smirked and pushed himself up against the headboard.  Jared was looking at him like he was his world and it was a look he’d never been on the receiving end of before.  He pulled Jared towards him, keeping him against his chest, knowing they were still gross but it didn’t matter.

Jared molded his body against Jensen’s, sighing in mock thought.  “I don’t know.  Wanna make sure of it?”

Jensen laughed because as much as he would have loved to take Jared up on the offer, he was dead tired and he knew Jared was too.  “Thursday.  Thursday, I’ll make you feel it till Thursday.  But can we get started on that tomorrow?”

“I can work with that.”  Jared shifted and tugged Jensen so that they were both laying flat on the mattress.  Keeping the connection, he moved so their faces were close.  He sighed and knocked his forehead against Jensen’s.  “About your question before, I do know you’d never hurt me.  I just needed to trust my gut.”

Jensen’s face broke out in a smile.  “Do I really get to take you home with me?”

“I’m not a puppy.”  Jared rolled his eyes playfully.

“Shut up.”  Jensen kissed him lightly.  “I guess I should have said I’m glad I am lucky enough to have you in my life and I am lucky enough to have you and the girls move in with me.  I just feel incredibly lucky.”

“That’s not luck.”  Jared smiled and flattened his palm over area above Jensen’s heart.  “That’s you.  You are so wonderful that sometimes you make me feel like an idiot for not dating you sooner.  _You_ make me feel so lucky.  You’re too perfect.”

“Not perfect.”

“To me you are.”

“Well there is the whole daydreaming thing, and the whole zombie thing, and I hate cherries.  Who hates cherries?”

Jared snorted out a laugh.  “Fine, you’re not perfect.  But I like you that way.”  Jared pursed his lips and lowered an eyebrow.  “You don’t hate strawberries do you?”

“Why?  Is that a deal breaker?”

“Could be.”  Jared let out a laugh like what he said was funnier than it actually was.

“Glad I like them then.”  Jensen pushed the laughing man flat on the bed and crawled on top of him, kissing him deeply.  He wrapped his arms around Jared to keep them close, their kissing tapping into his energy reserves.  Maybe he could go again.  Maybe he could make Jared feel him until Friday.

One of the twins let out a shriek.

Or maybe not.


End file.
